I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
