used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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