im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
