Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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