Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
