Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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