The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
