i barfeds in our rink
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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