I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
