I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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