Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
