Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
