Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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