Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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