I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
