Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
