I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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