Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I understand Curling. That high.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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