grandma shit on top of the toilet
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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