I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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