Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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