I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
