all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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