Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
