First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
