what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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