Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
