I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
