I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
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