We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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