I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
