Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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