Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
