Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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