he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
