dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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