the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
