This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
