Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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