party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
