please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
don't judge my taste in strippers
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
