i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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