cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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