He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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