Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am one with the molecules
My ass is underappreciated
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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