I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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