dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
