We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
