Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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