; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
