Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
