Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Randomize
