How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
