It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
