dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
