My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
