This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
